em hills.

It’s sad that I no longer have time to post a blog entry about how I have no time. What is my life coming to?!

laying here drowning in tears.

Just paid off my parking fine one day, and then the next day I get my car rego bill and an email from Uni saying they suspect me of plagiarism. I just can’t wait to see what shit tomorrow brings.. HateMyLifeRightNow.

i don’t know how long I can keep up

I am so busy, always running around, always stressing over something and mostly always feeling like shit.

So my week next week goes like this:

Monday: Uni 9-12pm, Marketing Internship meeting 2pm
Tuesday: Work at Narangba 8-2pm then straight to VGS meeting 4-6pm
Wednesday: Uni 9-12pm, Work at Narangba 1-5pm (Assignment due this day)
Thursday: Uni 9-11am, work in city 11.30-5pm, Marketing exam 6pm
Friday: Uni 2-5pm

And somewhere in there I have to meet with uni to discuss plagiarism.

I have no idea how I’m going to handle this.
I don’t know how long I can tread water like this, before I drown.

that’s okay, i don’t want to play with you anyway.

i cannot believe you.

I don’t even know where to begin. You’re absolutely fucking ridiculous. Just because our family is not like the one that you had and our relationship isnt like the one you have with your mother, doesn’t mean you can verbally abuse me all of the time. I’m fucking sick of your jokes.

When I was younger I would have tried fighting back, I would have been upset and cried. But now, now I can’t be bothered fighting you because I know there’s no way you’d ever even try to understand me. Now I cry out of shear frustration. After sitting next to you for an hour while you yelled at me and verbally assaulted me, you wonder why I hate being home? You wonder why I always out? Get off your high horse you fucking cow.

You know I’ve been stressed out of my mind this week and you just say ‘well that’s no reason to treat me like shit’ I HAVENT BEEN FUCKING TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT. Just because I eat dinner in my room because I’ve been studying, just because I don’t meet you on my lunch break for work because I just grab food and get back to it, just because I’m not home out of convenience so I’m not wasting money driving all over Brisbane. Do you ever fucking think about anyone else besides yourself??

I have had so much pressure this week and so much on, that I’ve been going out of my mind. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t wanted to cry or just give in to everything this week and you fucking just make things worse by yelling at me.

You yelled at me because I’ve been in my room studying, yet you don’t even believe me. You say you’ll turn the internet off if that’s the case, but when I say I need it to do research you just sit there thinking that I’m lying. You fucking retard. Yes because a Marketing RESEARCH subject doesn’t need any research for it, DURR.

I’m sick of taking crap that isn’t even my fault. You go off about how my brother is doing shit. WELL YELL AT HIM ABOUT IT, IT’S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

You demand that I drive you somewhere and don’t even acknowledge that you do it, even though you tell me JUST as I’m leaving. It’s a two way street you idiot. You say I don’t treat you with respect, well how about giving me some respect as well.

You wonder why I don’t want to hang out with you? WELL IT’S BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO. It’s because you’re not my ‘friend’. Friends don’t make the other feel like shit constantly.

I can’t wait to move out. I can’t wait to not have to deal with your shit every single day.

I went into my room and just punched the shit out of my mattress, because I was just THAT pissed off with you. You have absolutely no right to treat me the way you do, so fuck off.

Just FUCK OFF.

just killing it.

So there are many ups and downs that we are faced in life, and even in a day. Lately I’ve still been so stressed out. However, most of this stress is due to uni and feeling that I should do all of the readings for each subject, seeing as these subjects actually mean something to me now. Yet, fitting in all of the readings, plus doing actual assignments, studying, managing things within the VGS society, no money, basically cooking, cleaning and doing chores at home and understanding boyfriend and friends, it gets a bit too much.

I’ll admit after cleaning my room to an amazing state, my stress levels did drop. I think the stress was heightened by the clutter in my room and feeling unorganised. Slowly I’m getting control of everything, however a few assignments and all I’m still highly confused about.

I’m glad I’m playing indoor soccer this season, however it’s another commitment that I have made and need to work around. I have practically lost most of my means of income and slowly, as the money in my bank account diminishes, I begin to worry so much more. My parents want me to be highly independent however I’m struggling to be right now as everything builds up.

Overall though, I am doing my best to manage my stress so that I don’t completely break down like I have done in the past. I know that if I stop for a second, that I will probably explode. It’s very tiring to keep calm, but I’m feeling okay for now.

On a final note, 1 more month until I celebrate 2 years with my incredible boy. Yes, while it definitely has been tough and there has been some incredible low points, he makes me happy.

caution: cute moment

I was just sitting on the bus when I notice this couple sitting down both trying to ‘shhh’ their baby, while giggling. So damn adorable!

this feels horrible.

Dear body,

Please stop getting sick. I know I have treated you like shit the past few days but I promise I will treat you the way you deserve to be treated if you turn back into being healthy!

Sincerely

Your controller!